That Crazy Auto-Correct
by Anjiru Hyure
Summary: Humor abounds when the PHS' autocorrect/autocomplete function makes an effort to be helpful
1. Chapter 1

AN: I don't own anything pertaining to FFVII. Short, silly little chapters designed to make you laugh. Enjoy! This will be updated as I get inspiration. Feel free to send me ideas!

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A low beep emanates from Angeal's pocket. Pulling out his PHS, Angeal discovers that he has a text, from Zack.

_Hey Angeal! Good news! I just got my vagina today! Now I'm ready to take missions again!_

Angeal's face paled significantly as he read the text. Just to be sure he read it right, he reread it. Yup, it said exactly what he read the first time around.

Fingers slackening, Angeal's PHS drops to the floor under his desk with a clatter. Looking up at the noise, Sephiroth and Genesis both notice Angeal's pale complexion and horrified stare.

"What's wrong Angeal?" Sephiroth asks.

Angeal didn't move or make any notion that he was going to respond.

"Angeal?" Genesis snaps his fingers in front of his friend's face.

Angeal comes to with a start.

"What?"

"Your face got really pale, and you dropped your PHS. What happened that scared you so badly?" Genesis informed Angeal.

"Oh. That" Angeal shudders as he remembers what the text said. "I got a text from Zack saying, well, you can read it for yourself." Angeal said as he repressed another shudder.

Bending down, Sephiroth felt around until he located Angeal's PHS. Turning the phone around, Sephiroth quickly read what was on the tiny screen; out loud so Genesis could hear its contents.

Genesis howled with laughter. "The Puppy got himself a gender switch!"

Sephiroth's brow furrowed as he thought about what the rest of the message had said.

"Why is he excited to go on missions again? Doesn't he know that SOLDIER is male only? He can't be a SOLDIER anymore if he has a vagina now." Sephiroth commented baldly.

Angeal brought a hand to his face and scrubbed. Leave it to Sephiroth to speak so bluntly.

"I'm going to text him back, letting him know that he can't be in SOLDIER anymore. Err, let her know." Angeal told his friends.

_Zack, you do realize that by getting a vagina_(Angeal blushed as he typed this)_, you can no longer be a member of SOLDIER, right?_

_WHAT?! I meant vaccine! Not vagina! Stupid auto-correct!_

Angeal let out a sigh of relief at the responding text.


	2. Chapter 2

Sephiroth sent a text to Genesis asking him if he was still going to meet up with him and Angeal for lunch.

_Sure thing. I just came out of the closet. Dr. Hollander needed me._

Sephiroth stared at his tiny screen for a moment.

"Well, I had my suspicions, but I didn't think it was actually true. Why Dr. Hollander though?" Sephiroth muttered to himself.

"What are you mumbling about?" Angeal questioned his friend.

"Genesis sent me a text saying that he just came out of the closet and that Dr. Hollander needed him."

"Well, let him know that we're fine with his choice in partners, if it makes him happy."

Sephiroth quickly typed a response back to Genesis.

_Angeal and I both support you in your choice of partners, if it makes you happy._

Genesis looked puzzled at the text that appeared. With a click, it registered in his mind.

_FUCK MAN! I'M NOT GAY! Damn auto-correct! I said, 'I just left the CLINIC' since Dr. Hollander needed to administer a mako shot._

Sephiroth showed Angeal Genesis' response.

"There is no need for such language" Angeal clucked disapprovingly.

"At least Genesis isn't in a relationship with Dr. Hollander" Sephiroth pointed out.

"There is that" Angeal agreed.

The door to the Firsts' shared office banged open; Genesis stomped through the doorway. Angeal and Sephiroth both looked up at the loud noise.

"Is there any way to disable the auto-correct function?" Genesis bit out.

"No I don't believe so" Sephiroth ventured cautiously.

"I've never found a way" Angeal informed Genesis.

"FUCK!" Genesis yelled as he punched the wall.

Huffing, he turned on his heel and stomped from the room, intent on getting a new PHS that didn't have an auto-correct function; lunch with his comrades all but forgotten.


	3. Chapter 3

Mid mission in Rocket Town, Zack suffered a serious bite wound that quickly began to fester and ooze pus. Examining the wound closely, Zack was certain that the wound would need a disinfectant before Cure could be administered.

Pulling out his PHS, Zack awkwardly typed a text to Sephiroth with his uninjured left hand, asking for advice on how to clean his wound.

_Hey Seph. I was bit by a Nibel wolf, except there must have been something wrong with it. The wound is festering and a greenish yellow pus is oozing out of it._

In the middle of lunch with Genesis and Angeal, Sephiroth's PHS gives off an annoying beep indicating that he has a text.

Heaving a sigh at the interruption, Sephiroth pulls out his PHS and flips open the screen to read the text.

Arching a brow, Sephiroth ponders a moment what Zack should do before typing a response.

_You should put arsenic on it. It should get rid of the pus._

Eagerly opening the text, Zack read Sephiroth's reply.

"Arsenic? Isn't that toxic? Wouldn't that be terrible to put on my wound?" Zack mused out loud to himself.

_Uhhh… Seph… isn't arsenic toxic? Wouldn't that make my wound worse?_

Sephiroth pulled out the offending noisemaker again. What now? Upon read Zack's text, his eyes widened in horror. That wasn't what the text said, was it? Sephiroth went to his outbox to confirm what his text said.

Sure enough, it said 'arsenic' instead of 'antiseptic'. No wonder Genesis hated his PHS!

Sephiroth hastily typed Zack another text, explaining that he should use an ANTISEPTIC to clean his wound.

Flipping his PHS closed, Sephiroth calmly informed Angeal that his student might end up dead and to get a Phoenix Down as soon as possible.

"What?!" Angeal screeched. "Why?!"

"My PHS filled out a word for me; arsenic instead of antiseptic when Zack asked for something to clean a bite wound he had."

Genesis laughed out loud, not bothering to hide his mirth.

Angeal shot his friend a dirty look and tossed some gil down on the table before hurrying out the door.


	4. Chapter 4

Taking a break from his paperwork, Angeal flipped open his PHS to send Tseng a text.

_If you're free, I'd like to do that intercourse thing with you._

Reclining on his sofa with Tifa curled at this side, Tseng glared at his pocket where a beeping noise emanated. Tseng opened his PHS; reading the text that had appeared in his inbox.

Arching a brow, Tseng sent a response back to Angeal.

_Well. I don't think Tifa would be happy if I had intercourse with you Angeal. Perhaps you could ask Reno? He's free right about now._

Opening the text from Tseng, Angeal's eyes widened with horror as the blood drained from his face at the response.

'What the hell?' Angeal thought to himself, mildly panicking.

Looking at his most recently sent text; Angeal found out that the text did indeed ask to have intercourse with Tseng. Damn that auto-complete!

Mortified that he had asked such a thing of Tseng and even more horrified that Tseng had actually _thought _he was gay and suggested that he ask _Reno_ to have intercourse with him was too much for Angeal's brain.

There was a loud crash and a fluttering of paperwork as Angeal passed out and tumbled to the floor.

Just at that moment, Sephiroth walked into Angeal's office.

"Angeal, I need - why are you sprawled on the floor?" Sephiroth asked of his unconscious friend.

Noticing that Angeal did not respond, Sephiroth strode over to his fallen friend and squatted down next to him.

Unsure of what to do, Sephiroth began to roughly shake his friend into consciousness.

Groaning, Angeal peered up at his friend.

"What?" Angeal snapped "why are you shaking me?"

"You were lying on the floor, unresponsive. I didn't know what else to do," Sephiroth supplied.

"Oohhhh" Angeal moaned as he grabbed his head as he pushed himself into a sitting position.

Ignoring Sephiroth, Angeal snatched his PHS up off the floor where it had tumbled when he passed out, furiously typing a response to Tseng, hoping to rectify the entire fiasco.

_I am NOT gay! I simply asked if we could do that intercourse thing! For Zack! INTERCOURSE._

Heaving an annoyed sigh, Tseng opened his PHS again; this had better be important. He didn't get many days off to spend with Tifa.

Blinking at the text, Tseng thought of a reply.

_Since you are rather adamant, I suppose I could ask Tifa if she wouldn't mind. Maybe she could join in. You SOLDIERs sure have some strange kinks._

_P.S. Isn't Zack your protégé?_

Hoping to have smoothed over this whole disastrous affair, Angeal eagerly opened his inbox to read Tseng's reply. Zack really did need the help. His obsession with rubber ducks was terrifying and definitely unhealthy.

Angeal's jaw dropped at the text's contents. Ifrit curse him for failing to check the contents of his text before hitting the send button!

Now there was no way he could face Tseng (or Tifa for that matter) any time soon.


End file.
